Title: “Red Beret, White Daughter: Malema’s Unexpected Dive into Fatherhood and Afrikaans Culture”
By J. van der Beret | Satirical Sentinel, 2025
JOHANNESBURG — In a move that shocked both comrades and “Boertjies” alike, EFF Commander-in-Chief Julius Malema has allegedly adopted a young Afrikaans girl from the platteland, declaring that “she needed revolutionary parenting.”
Sources close to the situation (a bakkie driver from Brakpan and a hawker in Bree Street) confirmed that the girl, known affectionately as Sussie Sanet, was discovered outside a Checkers in Ventersdorp selling koeksisters to fund her dream of joining TikTok full-time. Moved by her struggle and “lack of ideological direction,” Malema took her under his wing — and into his red beret family.
“The child was singing ‘De la Rey, De la Rey’ like it was the national anthem. I knew then, she needed political rehabilitation,” Malema reportedly said during a press briefing where he served rooibos and pap.
🧒🏽 From Boer to Beret: The Transformation
Since the alleged adoption, young Sanet now attends political rallies, has learned to chant “Pay back the land!” with gusto, and recently replaced her “My Tannie sê…” lunchbox with a tiffin containing lentils and revolution.
Her former ouma, speaking from behind a curtain in Orania, said:
“Dis ‘n skande! My kleindogter is nou besig om te sing van nasionale sterftes en seizing die maans. Ek blame TikTok én Julius!”
(Translation: It’s a disgrace! My granddaughter now sings about national deaths and seizing the moon. I blame TikTok and Julius!)
🪖 EFF Kindergarten: Red, White, and Confused
Rumors have it that Julius is starting a new initiative: EFF Tots, a political creche where toddlers recite Karl Marx instead of the alphabet. Sanet has been appointed as the first “Mini-Minister of Crècheland Redistribution,” promising to ensure every toy is shared equally — except for the red ones, which go to HQ.
“We don’t want white tears, we want white fears — of justice,” Julius declared proudly as Sanet clapped in rhythm.
🎻 A Cultural Exchange Programme
To bridge the gap between worlds, Malema introduced her to township life while she returned the favor by introducing him to “Boerewors with mayonnaise,” “Boeremusiek,” and the ancient art of passive-aggressive prayer.
At a braai in Houghton, she was overheard asking:
“Uncle Julius, when do we get the land? My cousin’s got a quadbike and nowhere to ride it now.”
📜 What’s Next?
Critics say this is a PR stunt. Supporters say it’s the beginning of post-racial parenting. Julius says he’s just “giving one little Afrikaner a shot at learning what true struggle tastes like — and it’s not custard tart.”
Meanwhile, little Sanet has started her own Instagram called “From Boer to Beret”, where she posts side-by-side pics of her in a Veldskoen and now in red All Stars, quoting Frantz Fanon with a caption that reads:
“Goeiemôre, comrades.”
DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece. No Afrikaans girls were redistributed, re-educated, or force-fed lentils during the making of this article.
Malema still denies any affiliation with mayonnaise.
